It has been a while...

I apologize for being "away" for so long....God has been teaching me so much....I have come to the computer to write of all I am going through, to just end up staring blankly, not sure where to begin...so today, while the house is quiet :) I will give it an attempt to share my heart and what I am even still in the midst of learning.

As many of you know, we excitedly welcomed our precios son, Owen into the world in the beginning of November. It was a JOYOUS and happy day for our family! A true answer to prayer for a safe and healthy baby boy....for those of you reading that have had a tramatic experience in regards to pregnancy and baby deliveries, you may slightly understand my heart and explanation of being a bit "on edge" and even fearful at times about how the whole birth day of Owen was going to play out...my husband and I confidently entrusted our precious unborn son's life into the Father's loving hand, but yet, my tender mommy heart still feared...after having Ezzy and going through all that I did as a mommy, GOD alone was the only one that constantly sustained me. In those first days of Ezra's life, people showered us with their love and encouragement through prayers for our family, friends and family flew in, friends from all over the world called and emailed, many visited and hugged...but nothing was more constant and peaceful than KNOWING God was in control and had a plan. I clung to my husband and together we walked through some really dark and scary days...I feel closer to my husband for sure and thank God for the blessings and all that He has taught and continues to teach me as we together raise our precious son Ezra.

So when we found out we were expecting a little one again, our hearts were thrilled, and yet felt a bit guarded about what God had for our future. Finding out we were having a son was "icing" on our cake :) We asked God to be God and His will to be done...and we often had to confidently explain to our girls that we were trusting God to give us the brother that He had planned....the girls were fearful and had questions about what would happen when he was born, Gabby really had a tender heart and we often brought our request before the Lord for a safe baby, but ulitmately, we KNEW God was a GOOD God and He would give us the brother that our family needed. Often, as mommy, I would tuck the girls in and kiss them reassuring them that God knew what was best for our family and that He was in control. Their questions seemed to always come at bedtime. I would find myself reassuring them and as I walked away, baby boy bouncing around in my belly....I would wipe a tear away...a tear that would slip out simply because, I myself had that same questions....what if something happened again??

My husband and I drew close and THANKED God for the blessing of another child. We praised Him for our child and even during times of worry, we KNEW God was in control and chose to bless us with another son. My pregnancy was difficult with added aches and pains than the normal pregnancy...we were busy with caring for Ezzy which required many trips to his doctors 3 hours away...I started homeschooling the girls and I am a wife of a Youth Pastor, need I say more? :) To look at us, you would think we were CRAZY and some stated that we were...ANOTHER baby?? hmmmm. Maybe we ARE crazy, what are we doing Lord???

BUT, I write this to PROCLAIM how GOOD our God truely IS and continues to BE!!! Not to "vent" or whine, but to write how ALL God has taught me....I have sat under His teachings for many years, but with these past few years, I have come away from the desk of life and been in AWE of having the privilege of being HIS student....He has chosen these lessons for me and I am grateful.

So, with all this written thus far, let me share with you exactly where I am going with all this. My "plate" was FULL, my back was aching :) and I was about to have another C-Section surgery that would keep me from doing things I love to do, the biggest one, picking up my son, Ezra. I had to recover,because another repairing surgery was scheduled for me just four weeks after Owen was born. So, time passed and I did heal. With MUCH help from our church and loved ones, we adjusted to life as a family of six and enjoyed every moment of the newness of it all. My second surgery went well and even now with recovering still taking place, we are so THANKFUL for all those who have outpoured love and help towards our family over these past two months!

My HEART was full and overflowing the minute I heard sweet Owen's cry. A sound I did not hear with my Ezzy...feeding Owen and having him LOOK at me with his sweet little eyes was enough to make me sing at the top of my lungs!!! Though I did not cause I was a bit drugged up and knew I would be "off key" :) You get the point! I was THRILLED and praising God experiencing these mommy moments I had taken for granted with the birth of my healthy girls. You see, once Ezzy was born...both my husband and I KNEW we would NEVER be the same. God has chosen us to parent our special boy and with that comes a lot of new territory to learn and discover, a whole new world. The world of stares from bystanders, the world of therapists, the world of lots of driving and early departures, the world of leaving your other kiddos with friends and family as we travel to doctor appointments, the world of emotion and wishing you could take the pain from your son on yourself...I have often told people who just meet Ezra, that I would not change one day of what we have gone through, and honestly I do mean it. We serve a MIGHTY and powerful God and we, Edwin and I, have been in the midst of a miracle!
The first morning I was home after having Owen, was a Sunday. Edwin left for church, the three other kids where with my parents, BLESS their hearts! and I was home with my new baby boy. I rolled over in bed and heard Edwin's alarm clock radio on...the story being told caught my attention, so I listened...soon, the tears began to stream...the story was about a mother that had two girls and was about to have a third. When the birth-day of the new sister came, she delieverd a stillborn. The mother was devestated, to say the least and even a bit angry with God...why did this happen? was her hearts cry. After some time of just accepting that she was to be thankful with her two healthy daughters, but still asking God to bless her with another child, if HE so wills, she finds out she is expecting another child....another girl. After her daughter was born, healthy and with no problems...she found herself overwhelmed with JOY and emotion. One day she was leaning over the bed of her newborn daughter and praising God for the blessing of her baby...she asked God, "why have you given her to me, I was so mad and angry at you, why?" She in her heart heard her loving Heavenly Father whisper in her ear, "because I want you to be happy." This mother WAS happy and overjoyed by the LOVE God bestowed upon her...

I cryed when I heard this story, relating with this mother and also clearly seeing all God has planned for me, HIS child. He has lavished HIS perfect love and grace upon me and has brought HEALING to my mommy heart through the birth of Owen. My heart needed healing in areas I did not even know I needed. God lovingly chose to bless us with another son and though at times I feel tore between being happy about all Owen has the ability to do, which makes it clear all that Ezzy can't do, God has shown me that they are different children given to me to teach me different lessons...so, we rejoice and are excited to see Owen developing and growing into the little guy God wants him to be and we likewise rejoice in Ezra's continued development, just as GOD has designed for him.

Having Ezra has brought me in contact of so many hurting families that don't have a God to grasp to in times of trial. My prayer is that I can be a clear light and testimony to God's goodness and grace in our lives and that HE ALONE has a perfect plan...and also blesses us with gifts that bring HEALING and joy to our souls.

It has been weeks of physical healing for my body. I have been limited in what I myself am able to do for my family....very frustrating to a mom and at times overwhelming. BUT good and a true GIFT from God...because of my slower pace of life and putting on the brakes of our schedule, I have been able to see God's hand in planning this time of "be still and know that I am God..." I have had to be still... hard, oh so hard for me! I have had to have others help me in areas I just want to do myself! I have had to depend on others to care for Ezzy when I so just want to do it myself! Maybe you don't struggle with wanting complete control and independence, but I evidently do and God is showing me that I need HIM and the others He has brought into my life to HELP me and BLESS me.

So often I can be happy and loving life, but then something happens that changes plans and I am faced with how I will respond....God has shown me that, "man makes his own plans, but GOD directs his steps..." GOD ulitmately WILL have His way and more easily if I am a willing vessel. The lessons I have learned so far, and I know there are more to come :), are that God is a giver of GIFTS and a HEALER of the heart...He bestows blessings upon me and delights my heart with the journey He has chosen for me...so BECAUSE of this "teaching time" I have had to give over so much, (my independence, my control), I have RECIEVED even MORE and am thankful beyond measure...

It is interesting that we just enjoyed the Christmas season...because during this time we do GIVE and RECEIVE...I have had to, just not in the traditional way of presents, but yet in a heart way towards my Heavenly Father. I have had to GIVE over my own ways and be blessed when I RECEIVE all God has planned for me.
I truely AM a blessed mommy.

Thank you Father for the blessing of Your plans for me. Thank you for your Word that refreshes my soul and instructs me in my daily life. I PRAISE you for blessing me with my children; each one created by YOU and designed by your loving Hand. May I continue to be a student of Your Word and learn all You have planned for me. I thank You for the weeks of recovery that have allowed me to, "be STILL and KNOW You are God..."

You are my treasure and I delight in YOU.