I am thankful for the ability to do so many things, things that actually are a gift from God...such as the ability to speak, walk, comprehend, jump, laugh, sing, smile....these gifts are hidden within my son...they have not come "out" in an obvious way for all to observe and see. They are hidden, inside, lingering, not yet shared with us. I don't know if I will ever witness the day when Ezra will have these abilities and I can get so exhausted at times with wrapping my mind around the reasons why God would chose this for him. Have you ever desired and longed for something so much that it actually hurt to wish for it? A feeling of desire and longing...I can enter into those feelings when I take a step back and dwell on the lack of ability Ezzy has, foolishly disregarding all he CAN do.
I have a choice, to either continue to long and desire for things to change....or I can EMBRACE and love the plan God has for my son. I choose this day to walk with JOY in the plan God has for me. I feel so overwhelmed with the task of being his mom. Almost every day I am planning, preparing and organizing for my son. I love the task, I am privileged. His precious life, with his extra special needs, blend with the flow of our family. My mind thinks in a different line of thinking...most times I observe whether or not there are steps to enter in a building since we use a stroller or his Kid Cart to travel around with Ezzy...I observe the looks of those walking by, commenting of the sweet baby, when they are talking of Ezzy, not Owen. I observe the "scene" we provide for the onlookers who notice that the two "babies" are not twins. Every time I am in public is an opportunity to show the joy of Christ, the love of family, and a thankful heart. Only because of God's grace and strength these can be shown, I am blessed by my merciful Savior, who lavishes HIS ulitimate grace and love on me, who equips me to keep going and keep serving my son.
As the girls get older, the questions still keep coming about Ezzy and what he can and can not do...Ellie has been asking quite a bit lately. She asked out of love for her brother and concern, trying to understand how she can be there for him. She is full of compassion and care for her brother in ways I can't express in words...she is a blessing to me and has a heart of kindness. Raising Ezra in our family has given both my husband and I many times of teaching in regards to the character of God, that God is in control and is a GOOD God that loves us, and chooses the best plan for us. When Ezra was born, we continually taught these beautiful truths to the girls, all the while, our own hearts needed reminding to the goodness of God, in the midst of grasping our new given life.
Ellie, today asked about a song that they listen to, one of my favorites, they are songs all about God and his amazing power...the song was about God healing a crippled man..a dumb man...Ellie asked about what that meant... Teaching time enters in...I explain that crippled means not being able to walk...she remarks "like Ezra", I explain that dumb means not being able to talk or understand things...the look in her eyes was of understanding as I continued to say that God healed a man like that, and He can heal Ezra too...she smiled. I pray she tucked that truth of God's power away in her memory bank. I pray she believes this truth and continues to believe this for her brother.
Lord, I need your help in using every opportunity to train and teach my children...give me the words as I desire to teach truth. I desire to be used by You, to be refined by You...thank you that your Spirit lives within me, giving me wisdom and direction as I mother my children. You have blessed me with the children You created for me, entrusted to me. I need You, I rest in You.
Help my heart stop hurting, to stop longing for the possibilites and make me content to enjoy the moments of today...to breathe in the beautiful blessings of today...help me to not worry about the future, but to rest in YOU alone, for You hold the future. You know the deep longings of my heart, though selfish for wanting a little bit to change, You know what plans You have for my son, so I lay his life into your hands, yet again...thank you for those you have brought into my life to encourage and uplift me. You are a good God and have given me a precious gift in my life partner, my husband, who loves his son with all his heart, who cares for him without a hint of complain, who carries him with such love and strength, who can calm him down simply by whispering to him. Thank you for the glimpses of grace I do see, how You perfectly planned our family and placed precious Ezra into ours.
Blessing us with the children we have, may we daily walk in your ways and seek your wisdom in teaching them.
Some days the "road" is not easy...so strengthen me, give peace to my soul, a peace that is beyond understanding.
3 comments:
Liz,
I found your blog thru comments left on Tiffany's blog, He maketh No Mistakes. I am a friend of hers at church. I do not have a special needs child, but my first baby was still born. As I read this post I could remember so vividly praying for my heart to stop hurting, and wishing I could have what was taken from me. Praise God for his ability to heal the broken in heart and bind up their wounds. Peace is found when we accept his will and plan for our lives, and that is tough at times. Our thoughts are a battlefield, and Satan wants the victory, so I will pray today for you to be able to think on "Whatsoever things are true" and for God to day by day continue to heal your heart. His grace is sifficient for thee, it really truly is. Praises, praises!!!
-Nan
p.s. - God has given me two more children, and it is a blessing how my baby in heaven has been used to teach my son about Christ, death, life, the cross, and love. God is good!
Wow. I don't know what to say. Thank you for being so honest, and so trusting in our great God. I know that God has great things to accomplish through Ezra and all of your family.
Blessings,
Joy
Liz,
Once again when I read your blog I feel like I could copy and paste it into mine! I do the same things - thinking about stairs to a building, how tight are the turns, are the doors wide enough, will the machine beeping bother anyone, what will people say when they see he is on oxygen, always being asked "are they twins? Oh no, this one is a little bigger...” (JayDonn is 13 lbs Dillon is 17 - not much of a difference) I know those looks people give as they realize that "something is wrong" and then they say “oh he is a beautiful baby” because they don’t know what to say for fear of offending us. I understand the tug-of-war in your heart over wanting to have hope that God will heal and needing to accept the situation. I don't think as Moms we will ever stop hoping for healing, I don't think I will ever stop having faith that God COULD heal Dillon. I told Josiah, I wish we lived in the days when Jesus was walking the earth – I would do anything to go and ask for healing. Yet, for some reason, God doesn’t work quite like that now. He doesn’t grant healing to all who believe He could. He has a different plan for our boys than to wake up one morning and be a “normal” child. But I still have faith that He is going to give Dillon some measure of healing!
I think it is wonderful how you are looking for ways to teach the girls (and Owen as he gets older!) about God through Ezzy’s life! Deut 6 :5-7 “And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”
My heart goes out to you and is encouraged by you in a very special way. Although so many people offer encouragement, you understand more than anyone the daily life with a special needs boy. I heard a song (it amazes me how many times God has used songs as a way for me to truly sing it back to Him and worship Him and in turn be blessed by it) It is talking about the day of Job's trial. The chorus says "The Lord giveth, He taketh away, Blessed be the name of the Lord. I served Him before and I'll serve him today, Blessed be the name of the Lord." I can sing this to the Lord - He gave me my son, but He took away the son I thought I was going to have, but Blessed be the name of the Lord! His hand is so clearly at work in Dillon’s life – molding him to be what God wants. He didn’t die, even though from a human standpoint everyone thought he was going to, he isn’t a vegetable, even though I was basically told he would be, he is still making small improvements, even though the doctors have let his oxygen levels be so low during his whole life that it should have been causing more brain damage instead of fixing his brain.
I am so glad we have "met" as it reminds me that I am NOT the only one going through this struggle. I don’t know about you, but one of the first questions I will have when I get to see my Savior face to face, is “Can you show me just how you used this in other’s lives?” And oh how exciting it will be to see just that! Sorry, I guess I am leaving a book instead of a "comment"! I’ll be praying for you and your family today!
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