My heart has been heavy with feelings I am still sorting out. We attended a baseball game of a youth in our church, all four kids happily in tow. These times out as a family are precious and a fun outing to enjoy together. Ezra comes with us everywhere we go, having him part of our Borbe Bunch is a piece to our family puzzle. The stares and gawks are often few and far between, or maybe I just am learning not to notice them so much, but this evening was different.
I noticed every single glance, no... stare given towards my way, now granted pushing a double stroller over a gravel pathway while trying not to knock over anyone in my path is quite the sight to see, but even still, the stares were towards my brown haired cutie little man sporting his foot braces for all to see, arms stuck in extension, unable to bring them down, due to his muscle tone. It may have been an extra sensitive time for me as his mommy or maybe that is the norm that I don't always pick up on, but for some reason, when walking back to the car, away from the crowds, I wanted to cry. Not cry in pity for Ezra, but in frustration that he will have to be the bearer of stares such as those for the rest of his life. We are blessed with an amazing support group of loving friends and family, a church family that adores Ezra and loves him unconditionally, so why did this bother me so much....this night, this outing?
I have had some time to process my feelings, to think and ponder. My mind often races and whirls with all that is going on in my life, I know many of you relate, for we often battle in our minds, a place of continual question and reality. Questions such as did I start the dishwasher to seeking God's wisdom with, what should I do in this area of discipline towards this child....the whirling thoughts are endless and skip from important to every day duties....so somewhere in the mix of it all, God is teaching me and patiently showing me more and more every day my place in this world of mothering a disabled child. God continues to point me back to His Word and reminds me to "take every thought captive..." to bring my feelings and thoughts to Him. I must claim His Word to be true and know that even in the hurts of life, He is still on the throne and sovereignly controlling all that takes place. It does my heart good to be refreshed in His Word, to know and stand on the truth that God does NOT give me more than I can bear and is the grace I need and rely upon day in and day out.
For those of you who personally know me, you may say that I usually am an upbeat person, or at least I have been told. So, often I find myself wanting to continue this and only be "real" with my hubbie.....I find that does me no good to keep feelings in, so that is why I write, to praise God for His patience and to reiterate my love for a husband who listens and loves with great wisdom. As I wrote before, these feelings have been in my mind and heart for days now, not sure how I needed to express them and work through them, so let me share how God has shown me yet again that He absolutely created me to be Ezra's mommy. How God has blessed me with all my children, each one teaching me so differently by way of various communication, by word or deed, to differing personalities present in them all. Each child given to us mommies, offer times of teaching, we must be willing to accept.
So, this specific situation has taught me that, yes indeed I am human and I do hurt because of other people. I do want with every fiber in my being for my son to be accepted and loved by all, not stared at or thought of as any less than that running two year old who lives down the street. I have to work through the hurts and the longings of my own heart, all the while, taking thoughts of sadness, not given from the Lord into captivity and then request from my good God that He enable me in my response and heart towards those who are afraid of the unknown. My desire is the educate those who wonder about disability and testify to God's goodness in our lives because of Ezzy's precious life.
I found myself wanting to simply state to the onlookers, "his name is Ezra and he is a miracle", to have them stop in their tracks and acknowledge that he is a person and he is worth knowing. But the reality is that what they need to see is God in me, not a snippy response or a hurtful word, they need to see a mommy unconditionally loving her son, soaking in his chocolate brown eyes, knowing that though a sweet "ma-ma" word may never leave his lips, he speaks of his love for his momma by way of his precious gaze. I am a blessed mommy, who sometimes needs to be reminded that it is OK to be sad and confused, as long as the Rock I stand on is God and His precious Word to me. I cling to Him, I need Him, I love Him.
"Thou wilt make known to me the path of life; In Thy presence is fullness of joy; In Thy right hand there are pleasures forever."
Psalm 16:11
I am Ezra's mommy, a blessed one I am. I love you Lord and thank you for being a steadfast unshakable pillar of strength. Strengthen me in this journey, may I bring glory to you in all that I do. May I not become weary, but rest in your goodness and mercy. As soon as I get entangled in thoughts and questions, may I stop and rest in YOU and your complete sovereignty, gently bring me back to you and the JOY I have in you. I thank you for all you are teaching me, for precious friends who love me and pray. You are a good God. It is not always going to be easy, a road without bumps and hurts, so strengthen me and uplift me Lord, YOU alone are the strength I need, not approval of man or acceptance of others, just YOU. Thank you for the gifts you have entrusted to me, guide me, use me...teach me.
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